(1/2) Melt down in progress...Sam is falling apart, mom's patience is waning, little girls adding to the upset, "glad we not sitting by Sam he cries too much...

(2/2) yeah..yeah" lord, please give Sam (and all of us) peace

Great Sex Starts in the Kitchen

I have heard many complain about the sex they have with their spouse. The complaints are usually similar...he always wants it, she never does...I have heard complaints about positions, timing, and so much more. And, well, have had my own season of complaining. But mostly people complain about intimacy, and not just from the women. Men lack intimacy too.

I have learned over time that intimate connections do not begin in the bedroom. Intimacy begins with conversation and communication.

The kitchen seems to be the gathering place for our family. Whether its preparing meals, snacking, or getting ready for the next day most conversation happens in the kitchen.

My husband and I have sat for hours in the kitchen, just chatting, while the kids got ready for bed or were watching television. Even as I write this I am reflecting on conversations we had...in my mind I can see where we were sitting and can remember particular conversations.

We have had fun cleaning up the kitchen together after dinner, splashing water and, well, everything funny has involved water..haha!

There have been some deep conversations--tears and snot and the whole works, in the kitchen.

What I know to be true is that our conversations in the kitchen have enhanced, if not inspired, our conversations in the bed!

I've come to learn that great sex requires two people being in sync with one another spiritually and emotionally. Great sex requires two people being comfortable enough to say, "I want this" or "Don't do that" or "Let's try this". Being confident and comfortable in the relationship will increase your ability to be confident and comfortable in the bedroom.

My husband and I have difficult conversations about money and parenting. We have conversations about work, family, and friends. We talk about our goals and dreams. We laugh together. Sometimes we have to put each other "in check" and sometimes we just have to acknowledge that we are letting something slide. The point is, we talk. And because we can talk about the non-sex stuff we can talk about the sex stuff without hurting or neglecting each other.

Recently I had a real emotional day and by bedtime I was in tears. He came into the living room where I was on the sofa in a near melt down and said, "honey, come to bed with me, so I can comfort you." I was so touched. He's holding me as I am sniffling and whimpering and then he starts his sex moves. This was not comforting!

I had a decision to make...sex or no sex. The beauty is I knew that if I said, "not tonight" he would not receive it as personal rejection and if I mustered the emotional energy to share myself with him I wouldn't feel depleted in the end. Turns out he started snoring before he could get roaring! haha

The next day I said, "For future note...that is not the way to comfort me." We giggled about it and went on about our day. This positive exchange was possible because we have spent time nurturing and cultivating our friendship. For us, great sex starts in our kitchen.

Understanding that a healthy sex life begins with, and is the result of, a healthy spirit it is imperative that we nurture the spiritual connection we share with our spouse. A couple who cannot or does not talk honestly about the realities of daily living will have a difficult time talking honestly about sex. And a couple who does not talk about it will have difficulty really enjoying it.

Take time to nurture and cultivate the friendship shared between you and your spouse. It may even mean reigniting a fire...be encouraged, every roaring fire starts with just one spark!

Have questions or topics you'd like to see addressed on this blog? Go to www.renitalamkin.com to make a submission. We will post your questions anonymously!

Masturbation and Sanctification?

Yesterday I had a discussion with a new friend about the subject of masturbation (self stimulation) as it relates to holiness and sanctification. My friend has, like most of us, been taught that self stimulation is the sin of fornication and therefore should be avoided always whether you are single or married.

There are scores of Christian singles crying out, "what am I s'posed to do with these feelin's??!!" and, "if God didn't want me doin' stuff why do I have these desires?" These are fair questions. And singles are not the only ones asking them. There are plenty of married folks who are un or under fulfilled in their sexual relationships, at least from time to time.

Now, it is natural for Christians to attribute these queries to spiritual dysfunctions. The common answers being that if a person prayed harder, fasted more, spent time being "productive" they would not have sexual urges. Similarly, in marriage, it is believed that if the husband and wife are "on one accord" the sex will be great. It has been said that if a married person is not satisfied sexually by his/her spouse that it is an indication of a problem in the marriage.

So, I've done some research on this topic and what I've discovered has amazed me and challenged me to reevaluate the teachings I grew up with and even taught to my children. First, fornication by definition is consensual sexual intercourse between two people not married to each other (www.merriam-websteronline.com). So, by definition masturbation is NOT fornication.

As a matter of fact, the word "fornication" derives from the Latin word "fornix" which means "archway" or "vaults". This was a common euphemism for brothel as prostitutes could be solicited in the vaults beneath Rome. The word "fornicatio" means "done in the archway" referring to sex with prostitutes. So, technically, fornication is sex with a prostitute. (wikipedia.com) "Fornication" was improperly translated as meaning "sexual immorality" which serves as a blanket for all sexual perversions and deviancy.

Now, we ought not use this information as a "free pass" to sin. What is sin? Sin is behavior of the heart which separates us from God. A healthy sexual relationship nurtures a person's spirit and strengthens a relationship. Sex with strangers or multiple partners will dilute a person's spirit and reduce their effectiveness as Kingdom builders. The abstinence message from the scripture, in my understanding, is about protecting one's spirit. Knowing what we know today about the threat of STD's the abstinence message is also about protecting one's health.

So, this brings us back to masturbation and sanctification. Can the two go hand in hand? From what I understand the answer is yes. Sanctification and holiness means to be set apart. Setting myself apart, waiting for that special someone, is holiness. Dealing with the realities of my physical yearnings is between me and the Lord and does not require or necessarily include another person.

I believe that it is perfectly normal and acceptable behavior for a man or woman to bring themselves to orgasm when need be. Now, before all you good Christians choke, consider this: it was once believed that female hysteria was caused by a "wondering womb" which was cured by masturbation. This process of manual stimulation was performed by a mid wife and later by doctors. In the late 1800's the first vibrator (steam powered) was invented and the newer model in the 1900's was among the first "domestic appliances" to be electrified. In these days masturbation was a medical condition for which one could be prescribed a vibrator.

So, masturbation, though it has been made to be something "nasty" and "perverted" and "vile" really is no more than handlin' your business. A Christian does not have choose between physical comfort and spirituality, they are interconnected. A Christian does not have to live with the guilt and shame and condemnation of touching themselves or reaching orgasm by themselves. A Christian can relieve themselves and remain set apart.

Let me close by saying this: I believe in erring on the side of caution. So, if it feels like sin to you, don't do it, just don't project your restrictions on others. The spirituality of sexuality requires one to be healed in their spirit in order to be free in their sexual expressions. Whether your sense of freedom is masturbating or suppressing let it be your choice, your decision based upon your knowledge, revelation, and relationship with God.