I have heard many complain about the sex they have with their spouse. The complaints are usually similar...he always wants it, she never does...I have heard complaints about positions, timing, and so much more. And, well, have had my own season of complaining. But mostly people complain about intimacy, and not just from the women. Men lack intimacy too.
I have learned over time that intimate connections do not begin in the bedroom. Intimacy begins with conversation and communication.
The kitchen seems to be the gathering place for our family. Whether its preparing meals, snacking, or getting ready for the next day most conversation happens in the kitchen.
My husband and I have sat for hours in the kitchen, just chatting, while the kids got ready for bed or were watching television. Even as I write this I am reflecting on conversations we had...in my mind I can see where we were sitting and can remember particular conversations.
We have had fun cleaning up the kitchen together after dinner, splashing water and, well, everything funny has involved water..haha!
There have been some deep conversations--tears and snot and the whole works, in the kitchen.
What I know to be true is that our conversations in the kitchen have enhanced, if not inspired, our conversations in the bed!
I've come to learn that great sex requires two people being in sync with one another spiritually and emotionally. Great sex requires two people being comfortable enough to say, "I want this" or "Don't do that" or "Let's try this". Being confident and comfortable in the relationship will increase your ability to be confident and comfortable in the bedroom.
My husband and I have difficult conversations about money and parenting. We have conversations about work, family, and friends. We talk about our goals and dreams. We laugh together. Sometimes we have to put each other "in check" and sometimes we just have to acknowledge that we are letting something slide. The point is, we talk. And because we can talk about the non-sex stuff we can talk about the sex stuff without hurting or neglecting each other.
Recently I had a real emotional day and by bedtime I was in tears. He came into the living room where I was on the sofa in a near melt down and said, "honey, come to bed with me, so I can comfort you." I was so touched. He's holding me as I am sniffling and whimpering and then he starts his sex moves. This was not comforting!
I had a decision to make...sex or no sex. The beauty is I knew that if I said, "not tonight" he would not receive it as personal rejection and if I mustered the emotional energy to share myself with him I wouldn't feel depleted in the end. Turns out he started snoring before he could get roaring! haha
The next day I said, "For future note...that is not the way to comfort me." We giggled about it and went on about our day. This positive exchange was possible because we have spent time nurturing and cultivating our friendship. For us, great sex starts in our kitchen.
Understanding that a healthy sex life begins with, and is the result of, a healthy spirit it is imperative that we nurture the spiritual connection we share with our spouse. A couple who cannot or does not talk honestly about the realities of daily living will have a difficult time talking honestly about sex. And a couple who does not talk about it will have difficulty really enjoying it.
Take time to nurture and cultivate the friendship shared between you and your spouse. It may even mean reigniting a fire...be encouraged, every roaring fire starts with just one spark!
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